gassy lady

Guys, if your lady has really nasty gas there is a way to make her stop. Just tell her she looks fat when she farts. It works!

ain't

Why ain't "ain't" in the dictionary, but "dis" is?

I'm not trying to be funny. It is an honest question that I would love to get an answer to.

Dis has only been in use for the past 20 years introduced and maintained by the rap music culture. I've found it in several different dictionaries and none of them seem to complain about it being poor English. From what I've been able to tell, "ain't" has been around since the 18th century and it still is treated as a plague.

Ain't seems to only be referred to as very informal with notes that it should never be used. You can say "dis" in everyday conversation even in formal surroundings and you'd be perfectly immune to ridicule. If you said "ain't" at a dinner party, people would look at you like you had 3 heads.

Every year there are news stories about now the English lexicon keeps growing with new words added all the time - including the famous "D'oh!" uttered by Homer Simpson. THAT'S BARELY A GUTTURAL UTTERANCE! yet it deserves a permanent place in the dictionary. "Ain't" is a 200 year old word that actually has an etymology that explains the word's roots.

I just don't get it.

infinite theories

Many people think that the symbol for infinity ∞ means that you go "round and round this crazy loop forever". OK I can see that but I have a much more rational explanation for the symbol. To me the symbol looks like an hourglass tipped on its side. With the hourglass tipped on its side, how long will it take for the grains of sand to fall through? Until infinity!

You can learn more about the concept of infinity here: http://www.sixtysymbols.com/videos/infinity.htm

fair-weather friends

I am a computer guy. That's who I am. My skills are focused on fixing, maintaining, and configuring computers and servers. Not only is it my chosen profession, I'm good at it and I like it. Unfortunately my profession comes with a built-in people repellant.

When a user has a problem with their computer, they call "the computer guy" and all chummy and chatty wanting to be your best friend. The computer guy comes with a smile and reassurances that the end of the world is not upon us. The problem is fixed - sometimes better than new. The computer guy has served his purpose. The user is done with him. If it is a business relationship, monetary payment is received in exchange for an invoice. If it isn't a business relationship - friends and family and other acquaintances - then the payment might be beer or cookies (if you're lucky) or a hearty "thanks Computer Guy!"

I am in a unique situation where I mostly work from home with the occasional on-site visit required for those particularly difficult problems that can't be fixed via remote control. The problem is that working from home AND being 550 miles from friends and family is a VERY lonely existence. I don't have an office to report to every morning where I can have chit chat with co-workers and compare our thoughts on last night's football game or discuss the minutiae of our day to day lives. All I have is an AIM buddy list that seems to be getting populated less and less with each passing day. I also have Facebook where I can keep in touch with lots of people, but it just isn't the same as face to face contact. We've lived in Knoxville for over 3 years now and we haven't made any friends here. My wife at least had co-workers when she was employed.

Most people make friends through shared experiences like the workplace. I don't have a workplace as such. So I end up spending my work-from-home days staring at the walls in my office and waiting for someone to sign on to iChat.

While I was pondering the subject matter I realized that some of my friends back home are just like my clients except they usually don't have to pay me with money. The beer and cookies are fine, but that's the end of it. I don't hear from a friend in weeks or months and when I do hear from them, 99% of the time they are having a computer problem and want my help. I try to have normal conversations with them. I ask about their lives and offer tidbits about what's going on in my life. I comment on the popular culture of the day and the conversations are good. But once the computer is fixed and I've been given a plate of cookies i'm shown the door and told "oh I have a thing to go to with a bunch of friends."

But really... who wants to be buddy-buddy with their plumber or electrician or the guy who replaced their roof? Those people have a particular skill that is only called upon when something is broken and the presence of the repair person is just a symbol of bad circumstances and the emotions that come from it. The sooner the plumber is out of your house the better, right?

I'm not very skilled at meeting new people socially, but I do try. The conversations usually take this turn:

...

Me: so what do you do for a living?

Person: I'm an office drone at MegaGlobalConsolidated.

[... 20 minutes of conversation about their job ensue...]

Person: Well enough about my boring job. what do you do for a living?

Me: I'm a computer guy

Person: oh...[awkward pause] ok.

If the person doesn't turn around to talk to the person on the other side of them, i MIGHT get:

Person: oh, ok. Hey, my computer is making this noise when I turn it on. what could be causing that?

I've tried using any of the other job descriptions I'd only use on a resumé like System Administrator or Mac Engineer but inevitably the question will follow: "What's that?" and instead of trying to describe the technical details of what the job is, I just fall back to "I'm a computer guy".

I've tried talking about some of the strange things I've encountered in my job. I've tried changing the subject to anything else. It doesn't matter, it's too late. The cat is out of the bag. I'm a "Computer Guy" and even though in the 21st Century "Geek" is supposed to be cool, we are still on a low rung on the social ladder. It's a caste that is only slightly higher than plumbers because of more intellectual nature of the job.

It makes me feel insignificant. It makes me feel like the only reason people want to be near me is so they can use me. I don't know that there is a solution. I've thought about changing my vocation, but there's not much else I can do without tons of schooling that I can't afford right now.

Oh well.

F**K YOU

I love this song! Too bad it won't get played on the radio.

Thoughts about "iPhone killers"

For a little background, read a little of this sitehttp://aaplinvestors.net/stats/iphone/iphonedeathwatch/

There have been Apple Haters for as long as Apple has been in business. Through all the successes and failures, the core of the company has pretty much remained. When Steve Jobs returned as iCEO in 1997 he got the company to retrain their focus back to the core principles that made them what they are. The iMac, OSX, the iPod and everything that has grown from those products are results from that focus. The results may not be immediate - most times it takes a couple revisions for the brilliance to shine through. Apple has rarely ever released a product and then just dropped it after it failed to meet their expectations. The Newton was a product of the darker days and it was an unfortunate casualty of the refocusing... however it always drifted around the halls of Cupertino. It was the ghost that refused to pass on. The G4 Cube's only sin was to be overpriced, but it still lives on in spirit in the MacMini today.

What does this have to do with iPhone killers? The whole process of Apple's R&D is more than just "what's gonna make us money?" and "let's make sure it doesn't cause blindness in laboratory rats." Some ideas go through more internal iterations than you'd believe. Many never make it farther than the scribblings on a note pad. The physical product is only one part of the grand picture. If you looked at all of the really big successes Apple has had, you'd see that there's an unspoken quality that gets overlooked by the mainstream media and can't really be showcased by some glossy PR still photos. The original 128K Macintosh in 1984, the Newton, the iMac, the iPod, and the iPhone all share something their competitors just don't seem to get - and probably never will.
When the original Macintosh hit the scene, there was something about it was was different from anything else that was on the market at that time. Other than the unique, small, all-in-one form factor and the famous 1984 "Big Brother" commercial, there was a buzz about this machine that truly revolutionized the world. The operating system was unlike anything else seen outside of research and development labs in Silicon Valley. In 1984 it was years ahead of its time. There have been many competitors to come and go all claiming to be Mac killers but the only serious threat to stick around was Microsoft's Windows operating system. Sure, they gobbled up 95% of the market but their success had absolutely nothing to do with product quality as much as it had to do with shrewd business decisions.

The Newton had a rocky birth during the Interregnum between Steve Jobs' departure and return to the company. It was revolutionary device that introduced a new term to our vocabulary: PDA. Before the newton, there was no such thing as truly portable computing. The portables of the day usually weighed in excess of 10 lbs and you needed a luggage cart to carry it anywhere. The first Newton MessagePad had "quirky" handwriting recognition built into it. Jokes were made about how it would misread what you wrote even if you had perfect penmanship. But when you compared it to other devic... oh wait... there weren't any competing devices at the time! It was awesome and flawed at the same time, but in subsequent revisions of the software and the hardware it was greatly improved. During the Newton's lifetime the only real competitor was USRobotics' Palm Pilot. The main reason it won the PDA war was because they made their product small enough to fit in a shirt pocket. Other than that, the Palm operating system required that you learn a new way to write in a way that was hardly intuitive. Once again, Apple was trumped by actions that really had nothing to do with the quality of the products.

In 1997 Steve Jobs comes back and hires Jonathan Ive as a designer. His first major product is the iMac. It brought back memories of the original 1984 Mac with its all-in-one design yet it was still nothing like anyone had ever seen before. However, Apple managed to take the lead and not just sit back on their laurels. The iMac introduced USB ports to the world and killed the floppy disk (which incidentally Apple spearheaded on the original 1984 Mac). Built-in Ethernet and modem meant that this computer was built for the internet. There have been many copy-cats to come and go and all have failed miserably because even though they might have had bigger screens or faster CPUs or bigger hard drives, they still didn't quite "get it".

The birth of the iPod in 2001 really kicked Apple into high gear. MP3 players already existed at the time but they were unremarkable and had limited capacity and sorting your music was a pain. Although the iPod had a hard drive for storing thousands of music files, that wasn't really what made it the most popular gadget since the Sony Walkman. It was the user experience. Transferring music from your CDs to your computer to the iPod had never been easier and was a very pleasant experience. Then once you got the music on your iPod, it was a piece of cake to operate the thing. The user manual was very minimal because the whole thing really was surprisingly…. "DUH EASY". The menus, the buttons, the iTunes software - it all really was self explanatory to do what most users would use it for. When I worked at the Apple Store I saw people come in with their and ask about these new-fangled gadgets. They admitted that they were barely computer literate but they were able to figure the iPod out with out my assistance. When Apple expanded iTunes to also be a place to buy your music the experience was, once again, far and above anyone else's efforts. No other portable music player has ever come close in any way to the iPod. Microsoft's Zune music player was touted as the iPod Killer. I think after 3 years, Microsoft sold 3 million Zunes... Good luck with that, Microsoft.

The iPhone has been available for 3 years and has done very well for itself. Its success can be explained by Apple building on top of the things that has given it great success in the past. Over 30 years of R&D have contributed to the iPhone that we see today. The thoughtfulness of the physical appearance is nice but not gaudy. The operating system keeps the user in mind. The interface between the iPhone and your computer (iTunes) is very polished. The multitude of competitors who all claim to be next in line for the crown may have a couple nicer and better features over the iPhone, but no successful gadget is just a collection of electronics. Successful products are greater than the sum of their parts. That's where Apple succeeds and everyone else fails miserably. OK so what if your Android phone has a higher resolution camera? So what if your Windows Mobile phone has more memory? So what if your Symbian phone has a physical QWERTY keyboard?

Sure Apple stumbles from time to time and it is inevitable that they will be usurped by an adversary - that's just normal American business. But today Apple is the target of everyone's envy. In the foreseeable future, those companies trying to tarnish Apple will all fail miserably because they just don't get it. It's the whole package that counts. In their rush to try to be the iPhone Killer, all these other companies have failed to see exactly what it is they are trying to kill. They add bells and whistles and flashy knobs and buttons to their products only to say "We have this… the iPhone doesn't! so that means we are better!" They are aiming their sights on a single gadget and not the very fabric of what makes Apple unique in the technology world. As long as the culture of THOUGHTFUL innovation exists within the walls of 1 Infinite Loop, Apple will be successful. Long live the iPhone.

[as for Apple's draconian practices on the App Store and other questionable practices… well I'll save that for another post while I gather my thoughts]

brainteaser debunked

There is an old brainteaser that's been around a long time. I figured it out when I was a kid and I read it in the back of Discover Magazine. There's even a variation in the movie Labyrinth. It goes something like this:

You're in a room with two doors. There's a guard at each door. One door is the exit, but behind the other door is something that will kill you. You're told that one guard always tells the truth and the other guard always lies. You don't know which guard is which. You are allowed to ask one question to either of the guards to determine which door is the exit. What question should you ask?

The generally accepted answer is:

Ask either guard what door the other guard would say is the exit, then choose the opposite door.
If you ask the guard who always tells the truth, he knows the other guard would lie, so he'll point you to the door leading to death. If you ask the guard who always lies, he knows the other guard would truthfully show you the exit, so he'll lie and point you to the door leading to death.

There is a problem with this solution. If the scenario were truly a binary one (Door #1 or Door #2) then asking the question as phrased would work. However, the liar is a variable you can't predict. As a result, there are THREE possible answers that either guard could give: "Door #1", "Door #2" or "I don't know".

If you asked the liar what the other guard would say, he, being a liar, could answer "I don't know"

If you asked the honest guard what the other guard would say, he honestly doesn't know because he knows the liar could answer with the wrong door or just simply answer "I don't know". So the honest guard would also answer the same.

I don't know that there is a true solution to this brain teaser, but I do know that the generally accepted answer is wrong.

that's it. I'm done with tennessee

Well a few weeks after my wife lost her job I discovered that my boss posted an ad for my job online. The automated job search bots I've got setup at several job sites emailed me with this really great job that was right up my alley. It was MY job with MY employer. We aren't busy enough to justify hiring another person. The only possibility was that he was looking to replace me soon. There are no jobs here for either of us. I'd rather be jobless with friends and family than jobless in a town I hate with no one around me. I took a pre-emptive strike and approached my boss to tell him that since my wife lost her job, our lives have gotten worse and we decided to move back to Florida to be with friends and family. I told him the process would take a few months and I should still be here to help him find and train my replacement. This gave me control to exit when I'm ready and not have the rug pulled out from under me.

We're now in the process of packing and sorting our stuff for a garage sale and to put the house in sellable condition.

This Tennessee experiment is over. We're going home. Now I just hope we can do this quickly.

tickling satan's testicles

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse... my wife lost her job on Friday. We are fucked.

This is a deeper level of hell than I could ever imagine.

return to shit

I knew it was too good to last. I'm back to barely working more than 25 hours a week. And all the other aspects of my life that I thought were getting better are also back to the same horrific shitty status they were before. Nothing has changed.

feast or famine

I've actually been BUSY since 2010 started. In fact, my last paycheck was the biggest I've gotten since moving up here. Two 40 hour weeks plus overtime on both weeks. This week has slowed down a bit, but that's OK. It gave me time to go to the accountant to file our taxes and run some errands.

I'm glad that I've been busy but I do have complaints.

1) it's not predictable: there is no way to tell if this is just a blip on the radar or the beginning of a trend.

2) a lot of it is unnecessary: I just wish people could evaluate their "emergencies" with a little more objectivity. Having to drop what I'm doing at one location to go help a frantic user who didn't know to click on the OK button (he couldn't read the non-alert message to me over the phone) is wasting my time and everyone else's.

3) real emergencies piled up and surfaced at the same time: If people had let me do the maintenance I recommended to them 6 months ago, their computers wouldn't have gone belly up today. I can't manage my time when everyone has emergencies all on the same day (real or imagined)

4) "feast or famine" isn't an exaggeration: I'm either sitting around with my thumb up my nose waiting for the phone to ring or I'm busting my ass so much I don't have time to eat or take a shit. I need some stability in my life. Is a little bit of predictability too much to ask for in my life?

That's the nature of the business though.

sick of haiti news

I am so sick and tired of hearing about the earthquake damage in Haiti. EVERY news category has some mention of Haiti.

SPORTS: some athlete can't find his family

ENTERTAINMENT: some actor can't find his family

TECH: people are using text messages and Twitter to donate money

BUSINESS: tons of donations to Haiti

POLITICS: US government aid to Haiti

LOCAL NEWS: local people with family in Haiti, Businesses donating services

I DON'T CARE! I get it... a bad thing happened to a very poor country. They are poor because of their own corruption and inability to run their own country. Every other Caribbean country seems to do OK, including the Dominican Republic that shares the exact same hunk of land in the ocean.

How many times do we need to be told that buildings fell down because they don't have building codes? How many times do we need to see the videos and photos from the area? Can we just move on to the other things happening in the world?

I certainly will not donate a penny to any charity for Haiti. Charity begins at home. Have people forgotten that there are millions of people suffering here in the USA?